Tuesday, August 16, 2005


Yesterday I spotted outside New Scotland Yard a lone protestor with a home-made (A4) placard sporting the message:
Fulham Police won't investigate homophonic crime.

Well I think we can all agree that's a pretty serious accusation. But what exactly is a homophonic crime? Some examples...

  • A negligent road maintenance department that let the tarmac melt in the summer heat could be charged with Highway Rubbery;
  • People who insult the village priest ought to find themselves investigated for committing Offences Against the Parson;
  • There are a number of jazz-influenced buskers on the tube who ought to be locked up as Sax Criminals;
  • Several violent Scotsmen should be locked up under the Dangerous Dougs Act;
  • Could I get away with one about Jordan and the Dangerous Dugs Act? Probably not. Still, two homophones for the price of one!

As the author of this heinous piece I fully expect to be put away myself, for commiting pun crimes.

Anyway, it is strange that the Fulham constabularly don't investigate homophonic crimes, as they ought to be partcularly alert to homophones. After all, the supporters fanzine of the local football club is called "There's Only One F In Fulham".